Here I am! The return of the world's worst blogger!

Yoohoo! Anyone still out there? I am quite possibly the world's worst blogger ever. More than TWO WHOLE MONTHS and no posts, no updates, no nuthin. I would, in fact, be shocked if anyone still checks in here. Things have been so crazy at work, which is where I normally get a chance to blog, that I haven't had much time to do anything but actual work! No fun at all!

I am happy to report that all is well on the pg front. We learned a couple of weeks ago that we are having a girl. We have been so excited and shopping waaaaay too much. I am feeling really good and finally starting to show. People were starting to freak me out with the comments about how I wasn't even showing yet. I was so reluctant to let it sink in that this is real, and that was not helping much.

I am trying to let people in and enjoy this a little more. It is becoming easier and easier but I still have the guarded optimism thing going on much of the time. Anyway, I will really try to update more often now that things have slowed down a little. If there is anyone still out there thanks for checking in!!!

Thank you for the HAPPY B-DAY!

I just wanted to pop in to say THANK YOU to Suessgirl from the Braces Bunch 2 for the nice birthday card! Tomorrow I will have reached the ripe old age of thirty four. A bit sobering I must admit, but a happy occasion nevertheless!

No more progesterone!

Friday was my last day of progesterone! I have been off the PIO for some time now but was told to continue with that other nasty stuff until the end of my 9th week, which was Friday. I am glad to be done with that stuff and finally be without freaky hormonal intervention for the first time in months. However, I am SUPER PARANOID that something is going to go wrong now. I spent all weekend over analysing every ache, pain and odd sensation in my body and praying there would be no blood. So far, so good. I hope there comes a point at which I lose this (irrational?) fear that something very very bad is going to happen but I don't know if that day will ever come. It's like here I am at 10 weeks, 3 days still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I did however, do something either brave or crazy over the weekend... we went to look at baby furniture. You know, JUST to price it and get an idea what we might want. Just window shopping. :-)

The first OB visit

Now that I have waited a week to post about this, I have probably forgotten half of what I wanted to say! However, I have been in the grips of the nausea monster and haven't felt too much like updating. Sorry!

Let's just say I have gotten spoiled by the way everyone is very attentive and makes sure you feel comfortable at my RE office. My initial check in at the nurse's station began with the requisite weigh in. The nurse made me feel REAL comfortable when she proceeded to announce my weight as a full TEN POUNDS more than it was. I had to, YES MYSELF, walk back over to the scale, confirm that she was wrong and give her the correct weight to enter. Umm, sister, if you can't get that much right I am worried about what else you are recording in my chart. She was also not apologetic about the error nor particularly friendly. That sort of pissed me off.

(When I bitched to my hubby about this, he did point out that maybe I should have ignored her error so nobody would give me crap for gaining too much weight a few months from now. He's right, I coulda had 10 pounds of wiggle room there, eh? Oh well, I would rather my medical records be ooohh, I dunno... CORRECT!)

She then went through the giant packet of info they give everyone. There was a hospital pre-admission packet- HUH??? Are we assuming I am actually going to deliver a real, live baby? These people are soooo presumptuous that they even included portrait package crap from some studio. Wow, have these people ever even MET an infertile???

Anyhoo, after that surreal little detour, we then proceeded to the exam where my OB was very nice but almost freaked my ass out completely. She decided we were going to "see" if we could hear the heartbeat with the Doppler. OK lady, let's not experiment with an IVF patient who was TTC over 3 years before returning to you with a viable pregnancy! I was 8 weeks, 5 days at the time so she did warn me it MIGHT be too early to hear, but that did not calm my ass down when she couldn't freaking FIND IT!!!!! She really should not have gone there.

I think she realized she had maybe had a lapse in judgement at that point. Thank GOD she told me to get dressed and meet her in the sonographer's room. Of course the sonographer was not in and the doc was not the best at operating the machine but she did get me a new U/S at 8 weeks, 5 days and I saw the damn heartbeat! She wasn't able to tell me the heart rate because she was limited in using the machine without the tech, but at least I saw it. I have to give her a little credit for not letting me leave there with my heart in my throat, flipping out over whether all was well or not, but still. She should not have whipped that Doppler out in the first place! (On the up side, I measured exactly with dates, that's good, right?!?!)

Once I found out that the next U/S will not be until 18-20 weeks when they can tell the sex I was actually kind of glad it went down the way it did. How in the HELL am I expected to go TEN WHOLE weeks without another U/S? Yeah, this is gonna be torture. I guess I am going to have to get used to not being followed so closely.

All in all, I felt better when I left. Then later, when I was on the way home from work I realized something. Nobody even told me my projected due date!!! I realize I was given one by the RE and it is probably in my records and my chart, etc. (right there with the CORRECT weight, AHEM). But STILL, dontcha think they could have gone over that little detail, corroborated what the RE told me, etc.? That didn't do a whole lot to instill my confidence in that place either.

That's about it, am I being too hyper-sensitive and spoiled or would these things have concerned you???

Still Here, Still Sick!

First of all, I hate to complain about my blessings here but DAYUM the stomach is not liking much of anything the last couple of weeks. I have to say thank you to Alison at http://thebabycrusade.blogspot.com/ for her nice note wishing me well with the tummy troubles. Thanks so much, the "morning" sickness has not gotten any worse, but the afternoon and night sickness is going strong I am sorry to report. Also, thank you Sandra for your wishes and the cute little card as well! So nice for you to think of me! :-)

I had my first doctor visit as a regular OB patient today. All is well but I am afraid it warrants a post of it's own! I will try to update on that tomorrow. It was an interesting contrast to what I have gotten used to, let's just say that for now. Hehe.

THAT was graceful!

This morning I began to feel a little queasy in the car on the way to work. I thought, EH, it's nothing I can't handle. Just a little icky tummy. I figured I would get to work, eat something and feel bettter. I really felt no worse than I have from time to time for a week or so.

About the time I was walking from the parking garage to the building and was hit with some nasty gasoline fumes, I started to think maybe this was a LITTLE worse than usual. Then, it was the elevator that really did it. Must have been the motion or something. By the time I got my key in the lock of my office door I was literally LUNGING for the waste basket to puke my guts out right into the fresh new trash bag.

Luckily my co-worker I share the office with was out this morning. She is a nosy one and would have had something loud mouthed to say I am sure. Before she got in I managed to get past everyone to dispose of the nasty trash bag and freshen things up. Interestingly, once I had puked I was fine to eat breakfast, drink soda, whatever.

Now mind you, I have been secretly wishing for the vomits to come so I "know" things are going as they "should". I am starting to re-think that. I guess I need to eat before I leave the house and/or not take my prenatal vitamin on on empty stomach.

Anyone have any other suggestions? I mean other than drink ginger ale and eat crackers before you get out of bed. Something practical for someone who is not an early riser! :-)

A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!

I am sorry for not updating sooner but we were in utter bliss last night and went out for dinner, then by the time I got home I was exhausted! The word is- there is one baby! I am actually quite relieved about this cause while twins would be cute and all, WOW. There was a beautiful heartbeat of 129. Is that beats per minute? I dunno, all I know is the RE said that was perfect.

So, my friends, I have GRADUATED. I have been punted right on out of the RE's office and on to the regular OB. That's gonna be weird! But first, before they sent me on my merry way, I received a copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting". Uhh, that's very nice of them but I read that book cover to cover somewhere around three years ago. Even DH had a snarky comment about that one, hehe. My first OB appointment is in 2 weeks on July 17th. It seems surreal to even type that.

Oh and here is a funny- I asked the sono tech what I should tell the OB's office about dates. They were confused by a non-28 day cycle before, so imagine the loop a pack of IVF dates would send them on. She said, "it was May 17th, that was your last menstrual period. It's the date we made up for you to shut them up so they get the due date right without getting all confused." HAHAHA, loved that one!

HAPPY 4th OF JULY TO YOU ALL! :-)

Is it Thursday yet?

I had been doing ok with the latest phase of waiting until last night. That's when I really started to freak out and worry about the ultrasound on Thursday. Yesterday I experienced a twinge of nausea in the morning while getting ready for and on the way to work, but other than that I have no symptoms. At least nothing that can't be attributed to the copious amounts of PIO.

I am worried that this is not ok. That there is something not right and it's just the PIO keeping A/F at bay. I know that is silly considering my strongly rising HCG levels but the last reassurance of that was last Monday, so that feeling of confidence is starting to fade.

The last time I had a 6-7 week ultrasound was in July of 2005. That was the one where we determined I had lost the baby. I think maybe that's why I am so scared. I so desperately want, no- NEED- it to be a different outcome this time. I NEED everything to be ok.

Only about 52 hours to go. Ultrasound is at 2:00 p.m. EST on Thursday. Everyone please send your good vibes my way!

Puke, puke, puke!

I am gonna hurl and it's not anything thing to do with "symptoms", I still don't really have any of those! This has to do with Tori Spelling on conceiving her 2nd child. See below...

-Spelling reveals to OK! that little Stella was an accident, but unlike Jamie Lynn, hers was a happy accident.
"I was on one pill and wasn't feeling well, so I went off of it," says Tori. "Two days later, the doctor put me on another, and on that one day, we conceived. It was meant to be!"
And, as for having other children, Spelling says yes.
"We like making babies," Tori tells the mag. "Gosh, I always said I'd be happy having one of each, and I still maintain that. But I wouldn't mind having three." -

Now don't you wanna hurl too? You know you do.

Beta #3- and apology for all the gloat!

Beta # 3 this morning. It was great to realize that this just might be the LAST time I have to submit to Vampira at the RE's office. Just got the call with a number, it is up to 3,984. I'd say that's a pretty stong number, huh? Ultrasound is set for July 3rd at 2:00 p.m. At least that means I don't have to sit through the holiday weekend without a clue, but I do have to make it the week and a half between now and then!

At any rate, I want to apologize for the extreme amount of gloating that seems to be taking over this blog since the pee test! The post after post of extreme elation and "YAY, FLOWERS AND RAINBOWS AND BABY DUST!" is the kind of crap that would normally make my cynical, bitter, infertile ass quit reading someone's blog due to being grossed out over it all (not to mention the nasty green jealousy monster). I would generally click on the back button and only turn back in moments of morbid curiosity if I encountered such a tirade. Cause that's just how much of a biotch I am! Judge me if you must, at least I admit it.

That being said, I appreciate all your comments from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for coming back and saying nice things even if I am all "FLOWERS AND RAINBOWS AND BABY DUST!". You guys ROCK.

Better late than never- here it is!

Beta #2

Beta #2 is in= 1,247!!!! Holy crap, now I am starting to wonder about the twin thing. It would be a blessing, don't get me wrong, but wow. That would be alot to handle. Beta #3 is Monday and then ultrasound on 7/3 should answer that question.

This is starting to seem more real but I still have that cynical voice in the back of my mind telling me something horrendous may just be right around the next corner. I wonder if that feeling will ever actually completely go away.

Anyway, at least it is Friday and I have the weekend to let this sink in a little more!

The number is IN!

Here it is folks, drumroll please....... Beta HCG= 350.2! I don't even know if that is "good"!?!?!

I go back Friday for beta #2 to see how the numbers are progressing. I guess I will just be on pins and needles until then. I will have a 3rd beta next week with U/S somewhere around July 4th. God bless America! Hehehe.

Thank you all so much for your comments and cheering me on. It has been so helpful and heartening to know that gals who "get" this have been reading along and wishing me well!

Waiting for beta #

Well, I went in this morning and Vampira has had her way with me, now I await "the call". For those of you who want to see the pic of the pee stick, I managed to snap a picture or two while DH looked at me sideways last night, I will upload one ASAP. He might think it's a little weird that a bunch of "strangers" want to see my pee stick, but he is just gonna have to get over it, HA!

Anyway, for now I shall attempt to get some work down while crossing everything cross-able that the beta is a good strong numero!

OH MY GAWD!

I have no pic because DH still does not approve of what I have done, so I am laying low, hehehe. I peed on a stick and it was UNABASHEDLY, UNQUESTIONNABLY POSITIVE! That's right, POSITIVE, as in just as dark as the control line, oh my holy crap, POSITIVE. I am in shock, but it feels reeeeal good. I will check back in tomorrow as soon as beta #'s are in! WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh and for the record, DH is THRILLED as well, he is just oh so "by the book". The nurse lady said not to poas so he didn't think I should. Take THAT, nurse lady! :-P

11dp5dt

OK, I made it, I went ALL weekend without testing! Aren't you all proud of me? Well, ya shouldn't be, I am testing tonight damnit! Beta tomorrow, I must be prepared for whatever is going to come my way. I am such a planner (read "control freak") and this whole IF thing has taken so much of that away from me. I figure the least I can do is be in control of when I find out the answer!

In the mean time, please go over and give some congrats to Jen at http://www.jennepper.com/ and Samantha at http://southern-infertility.blogspot.com/ . (Sorry, I haven't yet figured out how to do the hyperlink thinggy without showing the web addies.) Both have received some long awaited fantastic news! I hope it's catchy girls! :-)

My Mother, the Psycho Woman

I have been meaning to post about this but just haven't had a chance. Since it is quiet here at work today I suppose I can take a little detour from actual work to do so. I had a rather odd conversation with my Mother the very day of my transfer. The poor woman is so deluded she actually asked me who I was going to "tell" and when. You know, because this IVF stuff is so freaking guaranteed and everything. I attempted to explain to her that we really only have about a 50-60% chance of this crap working, at BEST, so I thought the conversation was a little premature.

Yet she persisted. I finally explained that IF it DID actually work it would be a number of months before I would tell ANYONE, other than her, the BFF and DH. She was astonished that I would keep such a thing quiet for so long. WHAT THE F*CK??? She KNOWS I have been through a m/c, where I had already told everyone and their mothers and had to then take it back. She knows I have waited THREE LONG YEARS to get this far since that point. Why in the ever loving universe would I tell ANYONE I didn't deem to be on a "need to know" basis before I was "clear" from the danger zone??? This is coming from a woman who has also been through a m/c or two herself!

She is completely, certifiably insane. Most agregious it seemed, was that I did not intend to tell my brother either until I was pretty sure things were going ok. How is that any of her business? And why was this argument necessary over an extremely hypothetical pregnancy??? The inappropriateness of the entire line of questioning was just a bit too much!

It reminded me of when she "just adopt"-ed me a few months back. She cannot accept that no matter how much money you throw at this, nothing, not a DAMN thing, is guaranteed. And talking about it like a bunch of naive ingrates doesn't change a thing.

Ok, done ranting now- let's hope this is something I actually have to give some consideration to in the near future. Happy weekend all!

How Exciting! Thank you Nancy! :-)

Yesterday when I got home from work I got my very first braces bunch card!!! Thank you so much Nancy! Nancy from http://thenewlifeofnancy.blogspot.com sent me a card. :-)

That was just what I needed as I was thinking about how I was about to go into the weekend from hell, what with the last few days of the 2ww and no work to distract me for 2 days, blah! And Father's Day to boot. My Father has no idea what we have been going through and is likely to say something really obnoxious about grand children when we see him this weekend, so I was really dreading it. Nancy- your card provided a much needed dose of cheer and is most appreciated! Thanks again!

Survey says...

Progesterone results in- 67.78

I am told this is good and that they are really only looking for anything over 20. Since I am shooting up with PIO AND doing Crinone glop (for lack of a better term) I guess it almost had to be over 20 huh?

I was also told not to panic if I have spotting between now and beta because that is very common. Uh hello, as if I could NOT panic if that happened???

5dp5dt

Ooooh, I feel all grown up now with that post title. Now if I just had something to say... I went in this morning for my progesterone blood check, still one week from beta with really no symptoms to report. Of course I have been google super freak all morning trying to find out what my levels "should" be, you know, just so I can be prepared to freak out.

We had a pretty uneventful weekend other than a lil visit to the ER on Sunday, yes, that would be Emergency Room (since we are all used to meaning quite another thing when we say ER in IF-land!). Nothing serious, just enough to cramp our style. DH broke his big toe real good on Sunday. Now he not only has a very bad back, he is on crutches with a foot boot thinggy. Really great when living in a 2 story house with a woman who is supposed to be "taking it easy" huh? He did have impeccable timing, dontcha think? I can't be too hard on him since he really feels terrible about the whole thing. He was told it will take 4-6 weeks to heal. Kinda puts the 2ww in perspective I guess! Damn him though, that means this coming weekend is going to be bo-ring!

Beta is Tuesday, I am tempted to poas Sunday just so I am prepared for what is coming my way, good or bad. And I have to admit, I have had a few fleeting cheesy ass thoughts involving running out to buy DH a Father's Day card in some hopeless approximation of being one of those naive little people who get pregnant without a team of medical specialists in the room.

Into the deep freeze!

I am happy to report that we have 2 blasts that are making it to freeze! At least that means that if this cycle is a bust we have SOMETHING to try before we have to face the possibility of another fresh cycle. They are both grade 2 expanding blasts, one a BA/ 2+, the other a BB/ 2. I don't guess that's too shabby starting from a total of 10 eggs!

On a non-IF note, I just got my annual evaluation at work and my boss is recommending a 6% increase!!! Holy ass monkeys batman! I am not used to this much good news, the universe is starting to make me nervous, hehe.

Happy weekend!

Ready, set, wait!

We had the transfer today and wound up putting back one early blast, grade AA as well as one that was juuuust on the verge of becoming a blast but too early to be graded as such. We had chosen to do elective single embryo transfer because of concerns about multiples (due to my high blood pressure) but they would only do that if there were two that were "perfect". The one they could grade was called "perfect" but the other they just could not tell yet.

They are watching the few that are remaining to see if we have anything suitable for freezing. They will call tomorrow and let me know. The ART nurse had me thinking it looked pretty favorable that we would be freezing but today the RE (who is pretty no nonsense, which I like) said it would not be unusual to have nothing to freeze given that we only got a total of ten eggs. So, I guess we shall find out tomorrow.

Anyway, two it is. Now the painful wait begins. I have moments of thinking this just HAS to work- I mean how could it not- to moments of feeling very pessimistic about the whole thing. I guess all there is to do is wait and see. I have a blood test on Tuesday to make sure my progesterone looks good and then the big one- beta- on Tuesday the 17th. At least with the 5 day transfer I only have to wait 12 days instead of a WHOLE two weeks. Of course I can almost promise I will poas a couple of days before beta!

Keep on Rockin' in the Petri Dish!

I just got the update from the ART nurse. Of the 8 that fertilized 7 are grade 1!!!!!! The 8th one is a grade 2, but a good looking grade 2. They vary in the amount of cells, with the one in the lead right now at grade 1, 6 cell. Right now they just have no idea which one(s) are going to "win" the race, so I am looking at a day 5 transfer! I am shocked at all this good news. I am used to the universe taking a proverbial dump on me with all things fertility related. I am not sure what to do with actual good news (*looking up*- other shoe???).

She will call me tomorrow with another update and a time for Thursdays transfer. Wow, day 5 transfer. The only reason this is bad is because I go back to work from my "vacation" on Wednesday! Therefore, I am going to go back to work for one day and then call in sick the next day. Not such a great career move. Oh well, I have to do what I have to do I suppose.

Also, I wanted to mention that the hubster is the best. shot. giver. ever. I had my first PIO injection last night and it didn't hurt a bit. In fact I barely felt it! Either he is really good or I have a magic arse.

E.R. and Fert. Report

Sorry for not updating sooner, I had my retrieval on Saturday morning and it went really well I think. It was nowhere near as terrifying as I had built it up to be in my head. Plus they gave me some sedation and took me in the O.R. on the stretcher, so by the time they took me in there I was pretty high! They got a total of ten eggs, which was more than I knew there were follicles so that was good news. That doesn't seem as high of a number as alot of others report but the doctor seemed pleased with that amount.

I was sore but not too bad with the Tylenol 3 they gave me. Yesterday I didn't even take any and I was walking around the mall shopping! Then we went for Chicago style pizza as my treat for being such a trooper, hehe. They called me yesterday to report that of the 10 retrieved, 9 were mature and they ICSI'd all 9. That didn't surprise me since, even counting that last minute follie, I only knew of 9. Here is the best part- of the 9 mature- EIGHT fertilized.

Wow folks, that seems like a great fertilization rate to me! Now I am just waiting for this morning's call with #'s of cells, how many continued to develop, etc. At that point she will tell me if I will have a day 3 transfer tomorrow or if we are taking it to day 5. I promise not to wait three days to update this time!

Freaking out!

I am officially "ready to go". I had one extra follie show up today for a total of 9, but it's just a little guy and probably won't amount to much. I am supposed to trigger in approx. 2 1/2 hours and I am freaking out about the IM shot thing. ESPECIALLY because DH- who already has a very messed up back- tripped and fell on the stairs today, hurt himself and is currently medicated. Yay, percocet and needles, oh my! What really pisses me off is that he was racing downstairs to tell stupid FedEx we were refusing the package from the pharmacy that was urgently needed YESTERDAY. Good times.

Beyond the IM shot freak out, I am also starting to feel the reality of Saturday's ER and I am scared folks. Yep, I am downright skeered. It's not THAT bad, right? I will be knocked out all the way but I am worried about the pain and recovery afterwards. I am a real wuss when it comes to surgical procedures. I mean, I cancelled my scheduled lap back in the fall because I was a scaredy cat. Somebody talk me down from the ledge please!?!?!?

Crisis Averted

As the title says, crisis has been averted! Apparently my clinic hoards more of these meds than they would reeeallly like ya to know. I did have to go back down there but they had the one vial of Menopur I am going to need for tonight. I am really burning up the road with $3.89 a gallon gasoline this week, I tell ya. My meds have been slightly reduced for tonight and this should be the last night before trigger.

The 8 follies I had ranged in size from 17 to a couple at a smallish 14. Hopefully tonight's additional meds will plump them up. I still don't feel like that's alot of them, but hey, I gotta work with what I got, right? E2 was up to 1,118 and here's the weird part, lining was 11.8. Maybe I am just a freak, ok scratch that... I know I am a freak, but does anyone else think it's weird that the numbers are 1,118 and 11.8? Maybe it's a sign, mwaahahahaha.

I was also told that my lining is ever so lovely and has a "triple layer" appearance which they like to see. Anyone know what that's supposed to mean? I shall have to consult Dr. Google on that one. Anyway, BACK to the clinic in the morning at SEVEN FIFTEEN. Yes, I am a big baby, whatcha gonna do about it? ;-)

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

The Good:

At yesterday's scan I was up to 8 measurable follies and E2 was 900. Not too great by some standards but compared to the crap numbers I was hearing last week that's not too shabby. The verdict is still out on today's E2 (rarely do they call back before 2:00 p.m.) and I still don't know if I am to do one more night of stims tonight and trigger tomorrow or go ahead and trigger tonight. All 8 had gotten larger today but they might or might not push it one more day.

The Bad:

Just got a call from the lovely folks at Schraft's. Apparently Fed Ex had a plane break down and my damned Menopur is on it. If I don't have to have it tonight I am in good shape but if I do... not so much. They are calling the REs office to see if we can strike up a deal or something. Maybe they can coerce some out of them but I don't know since that stuff is on some kind of nationwide back order. Great, just fan-f'ing-tastic! I don't know why this surprises me.

The Ugly:

Oh I don't know, you pick. Perhaps the bruises on my thighs, stomach and arms?

Update!

The ART nurse just called and my E2 is up to 595. That doesn't sound too high based on other blogs I have seen, but it must be high enough for now. I am to continue the same doses of meds tonight and come back tomorrow morning. She thinks I will be getting trigger on Wednesday and ER on Friday. I really hope some more follies develop and are large enough by the time we go to retrieval! Now this feels much more real. It is sort of scary, but dare I feel hopeful?

Much better!

I didn't post after my Saturday scan because, quite frankly, I was pissed. I only had 3 measurable follicles and was a bit worried about that. Especially so because when I asked the RE at Pre-op on Thursday about my low estrogen number she said "well, if you don't respond better we'll have to cancel the cycle and start again with a more agressive protocol". She went on to say, if I was only going to have, say 3 eggs, for example, it wasn't worth continuing this cycle. I am sure you can imagine that my attitude was not all that peachy when told that was the VERY number I had!

Things got a little better when the ART nurse called me Saturday afternoon to say my E2 went up to 265 so we were progressing, just slowly. So, I was to come back in this morning, holiday and all, at 7:30 a.m. I am ready for this to be over for nothing more than not having to be places at these ungodly hours! Have I mentioned that I am not a morning person at all?

Well, this morning I had 6 measurable and she indicated there may be more, they just aren't measurable yet. I had a 13, 15 and (gasp) 17 on one side and two 13s and a 15 on the other. That's double what I had just two days ago so I am feeling much better about my response. I would like to have many more than that but going from 3 to 6 in two days is not the worst thing, especially after hearing the word CANCEL on Thursday.

Now I am waiting for the ART nurse to call with my instructions for the next day or two and hopefully a much better E2 number. I had a terrible migraine on Saturday night which I was told this morning by the sonographer that is often a good sign and indicates quickly rising estrogen levels. Who'd have thunk it? I certainly did not realize there was a connection!

Oh, and I have to figure out how to explain to my work why my "vacation" is suddenly being pushed back by three days. I had planned my time off around a much more reasonable response to the damn meds. Anyone have any ideas for an excuse? :-)

Well that was anti-climactic!

Yesterday I went in for my 1st scan after 5 days of stims. I thought I was going to have made excellent progress, what with the much larger than injectable IUI type dose of Follistim. Boy, was I ever wrong. Follies were "nothing measurable" -and E2 level? A whopping 68. What the hell??? I hate this feeling like my body won't do what it's supposed to freaking do.

On the bright side, they gave me some free Follistim since the rep had just been by and gave them some to give patients who are paying for all this themselves. That saved me $400 anyway. Today I have my "pre-op" appointment with the RE at 1:15 p.m. I plan on asking her what the heck could be going on here.

Stims and the big red welt

Today I went in for my baseline scan and blood work. They make the IVF patients come in between 7:15 and 7:30! I think for all the money we are paying we should be able to come in whenever the hell we want! At any rate, although I am not a morning person- must get over that if want baby- it went ok.

I was a little dissapointed that my antral follicle count was 6 on one side and 4 on the other for a grand total of 10. I thought it "should" be much higher than that, according to Dr. Google, but the u/s tech assured me that was just peachy. Lining was at around 4, which I understand is good for beginning of stims. The nurse called in the afternoon to tell me bloodwork looked good, so I was all clear to start stims tonight.

All went well with the exception of a lovely reaction to the Menopur. Follistim I have done before, no prob, easy. The Lupron has also been a piece of cake. Menopur, on the other hand, not good. It stung going in much more than the Follistim and later was itching like crazy. I looked at the injection site (on the stomach) and it was red as HELL and all welted up in a nasty way. Of course, the hubby got me all concerned I was having a bad allergic reaction and convinced me to call the "emergency" cell phone number to the IVF nurse. It's available until 10:00 p.m. but I still felt bad calling at 9:00 on a Friday night!

At any rate, if anyone needs to know- that is apparently a very common reaction to Menopur. She said some batches do that more than others and to try it in the leg tomorrow. If it still welts up, then I am to ice the area both before and after the injection. So, if this happens to anyone, you are likely NOT going into anaphylactic shock, it's just a normal reaction to the crap you are paying tons of money to shoot up with. Lovely, eh? :-)

I survived M-Day

I am happy to say I survived Mother's Day without any major emotional episodes. It helped that I picked a Greek restaurant that isn't normally open at lunch so there were almost no other people there. One of the usual chain places full of mothers with little kids all dressed up in their Sunday best probably would have been much harder.

I feel pretty f-ing riduculous that I even had to type that last paragraph, by the way. I NEVER thought there would be a time when I would be so pathetic! I actually chose a restaurant based on the expected number (or lack thereof) of families. Because I am that jealous of other people's happiness. There. I said it.

I wish I could be one of those kind, magnanimous infertiles who just love love love other people's children. But at this point, if I am being honest, and that is what this space is for- I DON'T. I don't want to hear about their God damned potty training or the latest adorable crap they did last night. I don't want to look at their pictures and I sure as shit don't want to fawn all over them. One more Mother's Day down.

One more step down

I took the last bcp this morning. Woohoo. This whole bcp experience has been weird. I have been spotting and feeling crampy for the last three damn weeks and now it’s time for a period??? What the hell man? Anyway, I am glad to be finished with that part of the process. I started the Lup.ron over the weekend and it hasn’t been too bad so far. Of course it helps that I am making the hubby administer all the shots. I am not even particularly afraid of starting the shots for stims since I have had injectible IUIs before. What I am kinda freaking out about is the intramuscular ones, ouch!

I guess I shouldn’t worry about that for now. One step at a time. First I have to get through the weekend. I, at this point in my IF journey, do not heart Mother’s Day at all. My own Mother being a bit off her rocker doesn’t help. But it’s mainly all the ads on TV, in the paper and everywhere else I look proclaiming that it’s time to honor Mothers. Reminding me that I am not on that list of people. Making me wonder if I’ll EVER be on that list. And making me pissed off at the people who got on that list without even trying. Or worse yet, without even wanting to.

Ready, set...human pin cushion!

Tomorrow I am supposed to start the Lupron injections. It just occurred to me that today will be the last day for a very very long time where there will not be a shot involved. That blows chunks, I tell ya. On the upside, it is Friday! I think there is a nice bottle of red with my name written alllll over it! :-)

Fun with the pharmacy and other things...

I actually got some good financial news today! Some of the drugs for IVF will apparently be covered by insurance and thus be nothing more than a $15 co-pay! Whoopee! The lady who placed my order said that Lu*pron and some of the other drugs have more than one use, so they can slide them past the insurance company. That's awesome! Not that I didn't spend a crap load of money today, but at least SOMETHING was paid for.

On a slightly less positive note, the co-worker with the annoying kid questions- moving into my office. So I can "work with" her. I already share an office, but the person in with me now is more senior. Annoying one, as she shall be named from now on, has been here less than 90 days and my boss wants me to help "train and develop" her. I couldn't say no for 2 reasons: a) I don't want to explain why she irritates me; b) the request was preceeded by a speech from my boss about how great I was doing, how much I had grown, talk of future promotions, etc., etc. What kind of fool would say no after a speech like that??? So, I guess she's moving in.

Happy weekend!

Here we go! Sorta.

Today I started the bcp to prep for IVF. Wow, it was pretty surreal to open a pack of those again. I never thought I would go there again. How strange it was to put the little day lable on the package and such.

On the up side, my mother, who is generally a very hard person to deal with, called today to say she is sending me a check for $9,000 to cover most of what I have to pay on Monday (at my consent signing appointment). I realize I am very lucky she is paying for it and I am trying to not get pissed at her for being "insane" since she is paying for this IVF attempt. I just have to keep reminding myself to be nice.

Along those same lines, she was appalled that I did not want her there on the day of retrieval. When I pointed out to her that my husband might be weirded out about that, it was like she never even considered that. It's all about her! Sheesh. In addition to that, please see my post about how she acted at my saline sono appointment!

People who cannot take a hint piss me off

Yesterday I was asked, completely out of the blue, by a new co-worker with 2 small children if my husband and I just weren't "kid people"? I tried to end the conversation gracefully and get out of the situation but she just would not let up. She was down right f-ing pushy about it. I was pissed off to the point that I really really wanted her to be embarrassed for being such an ass, so I came out with it and said "It's not that we don't want kids, it's just that it isn't happening". That freaked her out but good. It was like she never even CONSIDERED that there might be something WRONG. I mean, people just have sex and BOOM they pop a kid out, right? I bet she will leave me the hell alone from now on, so maybe it was worth the awkward situation.

The significant thing about this is that nobody at work, apart from the ones I have seen at the RE, know a damn thing about our struggles with IF. They probably just think we are not "kid people" and have enough tact to keep their damn mouths shut (unlike the new girl). Now I wonder if she will be too embarrassed to say anything to anyone. Maybe it's just time to come out of the proverbial closet, so to speak.

Oh and speaking of co-workers, the one I was wondering about the other day- PG.

Of course she is...

The co-worker I saw at the RE for her "test"... yep, you guessed it, she appears to be PG. I don't know it for sure but she had a rather suspiciously maternity looking shirt on when I passed her in the hall today. If it's not maternity wear, it would be a very unfortunate wardrobe choice. Did I call it or what? It was probably on her very first round of Clomid or something crap ass like that.

I know, I know, I don't know what she had to do to get that way. Maybe it was on her 3rd or 4th IVF for all I know. If anything it should give me hope that this stuff works, right? Instead it just pisses me off and makes me feel even more defective. Blech.

Obnoxious comments at the RE...Go Mom!

Had my saline sono and it was nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be. MUCH better than the HSG, so it turns out all that worry was for nothing. On the ever so annoying front, my mother decided to accompany me to the appointment. In fact she INSISTED she come with me. You see, my mother is not the best person to provide comfort or support. In fact, she stresses me the hell out. A sampling of her comments will illustrate why.

First she commented on the Redbook magazine I was reading. She said “I used to love Redbook, it’s such a good magazine for people with little kids and stuff.” UM HELLO! Where are we sitting and for what purpose? What on EARTH would make you think that was the freaking thing to say? Then I pointed out that they had more magazines than usual in the waiting room. She said “they are all magazines for young people, there’s nothing for old ladies like me to read”. (I think she was trying to back peddle on the Redbook comment there.) So then, I pointed out that there were a couple of magazines there targeting women in their 40’s and 50’s because THERE WERE. Mind you there were more than a couple of women who were probably in their early 40’s sitting in the waiting room… and she comes out with... “well I don’t know what on EARTH they would be doing HERE!”. Nice mom, real nice. Then she started on about how people were probably looking at her funny wondering what she was there for when she came in and sat down (she got there first). I think that was a blatant attempt to get me to say she looks like she could be in her 40’s. I didn’t give it to her (vanity is her middle name). Then I got called back, THANK GOD. I was actually relieved to go back to the exam room at that point.

Getting ready to roll!

Yesterday was CD1 so I went today to get my pre-IVF bloodwork done. Yes, I know it would generally be CD3, but that would be a Saturday which would not be all that convenient. I mean for the RE's office of course. Nothing about any of this is convenient for me!

The next step is a saline infusion sonogram on Tuesday afternoon and I am scared sh*tless. My HSG was so terrible and it seems to me they are doing something similar with a sono instead of an x-ray. The only difference I can see apart from it being saline instead of dye is that they are not trying to force it through your tubes. I sincerely hope I am wrong. I started laughing when they gave me the prescription for the Anaprox I am supposed to take before. Like THAT's gonna help a girl out.

Seriously, do these things only happen to me?

I finally got the hubby to call and make an appointment for the repeat swimmer check he needed prior to our IVF. He was scheduled for a Tuesday morning "drop off". While working that morning I did my best to put it out of my mind, lest I have visions of what was surely transpiring over at my house. Then I get a call. It's the hubster on his cell. "You are not going to believe this", he says. Oh CRAP- "What is it?", I say. "My car won't start." Yep, his flipping battery died!!!

Since I am not one to take defeat so easily, I raced home and picked him up. And I mean raced. It usually takes me 30 minutes each way, but I did it in 40 minutes flat. Thank God I didn't get pulled over! Imagine what I would have told the poor officer who dared to get in my way!

To my OB/GYN...

Please OB/GYN, could you puuulleeeeze have ONE magazine in your waiting room NOT devoted to pregnancy and/or parenting? I am serious here, there was not one single thing I could read to distract myself from the fact that I was the only non-pg person in the flipping room. But, I had to have the updated pap in order to do IVF. At least that's one thing off the list!

Yikes! Co-workers at the RE!

For the second time in the last couple of months I ran into a co-worker at my RE's office. How awkward that was. The first of them was there with her husband, saw me, sat across the room and pretended not to see me. I am sure she did but didn't know what to say. Now there seems to be some kind of code where neither of us mentions it. Fortunately, I don't see her all that often (I work in a big place and used to have more contact with her than I do now).

The other one spotted me the last time I was there. Last Friday, when I went to have a consult with the doctor about IVF. She had the opposite reaction. She felt compelled to sit next to me and get all giddy that she was there for a "test". I am sure it was a beta and with the way things seem to go around here I am sure it was freaking positive. I couldn't help but think she must be very green about this whole thing... new to IF I mean. I got more cynical than that YEARS ago.

Anyway, co-worker #2 happens to work much more closely with me. Same basic job, different department. So, avoiding her is not an option. In fact, we are both supposed to attend a luncheon next Friday. On one hand I am concerned about her telling people she saw me there. It's not exactly something I wish to share in the work place. However, I guess that would mean admitting SHE was there. So, maybe she won't. On the other hand I am wondering how the hell I should act around her. Do I have to ask about the "test"? Can I just ignore that it ever even happend? ARGH. Happy Friday.

The G.D. PG wedding

I thought this deserved it's very own post. I was in my own special kind of hell yesterday. I had to attend a wedding in which the bride was 6-7 months pregnant. I had been dreading this event and the day finally came. This was a former co-worker who apparently knew she was pg before she left but had not announced it yet. I received a wedding invitation months and months ago but just got the big news via an email she sent out a few weeks ago. I guess she didn't want people to be shocked when she turned up very pregnant at her wedding. DH doesn't understand why I let what "goes on with other people" effect me so much. I have tried to explain to him that it is a (seemingly) constant reminder of what I don't have, what I may NEVER have. And these people seem to come by it so easily and are so ignorant that IF even exists. So, we had the knocked up bride, another very pg guest who I severely dislike (even if she wasn't pg). And another guest with her 2 month old who I have been avoiding ever since I learned she was expecting. Nice, huh? And of course, especially since we have been married so long, we were asked how many kids we have. I am so glad it's over. Now I just have to endure the wait to start this IVF thing!

Updates galore

Well, I sure have neglected this blog for... wow... almost a month. I truly wish I had a big announcement to make but I am afraid not. Managed to come back to town in the MIDDLE of the conference last month for my IUI which turned out to be a bust a grand total of 8 days post IUI. That really freaked me out because that is the exact same thing that happened on my last injectable IUI, to the day. The doctor can't explain it really except to say that it "does concern her a bit" so we will add cri.none to the party when we do, drumroll please...IVF. Yep, it's on to the big guns. This really freaks me out on one level but on another I am at least happy to move on to something that has a really good chance of working. So, now I wait some more. I have to re-do my testing to have results within the last six months during late Feb./early March and will hopefully start the bcp for IVF in April.

OMG OMG OMG!

I realized last night that I must be a total retard! When I was figuring if I could squeeze this cycle in before I go out of town I was counting my first day of INJECTIONS as CD1, when it was really CD3!!! How could I have done that? I calculated it like 16 times! I was hoping to squeeze in my IUI on Saturday and go out of town on Sunday. Now I am thinking it will be IUI time on Monday. This means either I come up with some kind of "emergency" and leave the conference for half a day or cancel altogether. Luckily it is only 1 1/2 hours away in Orlando.

Oh well, I guess we shall see what happens. I go in for my 2nd follie check this morning. Since I am such a slow starter I don't expect much progress. Perhaps I shall ask if goosing the dosage a bit might get this party started a little faster. Of course I know from all of you out in the blogosphere that I don't want to get OHSS, so maybe that's not such a grand idea...

Back in the saddle again!

Well, woo freaking hoo! My CD3 appointment with the wand monkey this morning revealed that the cysts are gone and I am back in the game! Now I just have to squeeze in this cycle before I leave for a conference in Orlando on the 27th. Please please puuulllleeeeezzz let that work out. So I start the injections tonight. I have informed the wonderful DH that he will be weilding needles nightly once again. Hopefully this will be the last time we have to do this. Then again, I say that every cycle.

Tomorrow night we attend the patient education night about IVF. That is the first thing required before you do an IVF cycle, which is the plan if this injectable IUI doesn't do the trick. If you would have told me a year ago I would even be thinking about doing IVF I think I would have puked from sheer terror! My how things have changed.